It’s slowly become a very out of the ordinary day. I hate being sick. Sickness leads to being indoors. Indoors leads me to inactivity. Inactivity leads me to thinking. Thinking leads me to being depressed. And depression leads me nowhere.
I miss the days where loneliness didn’t bother me. Now it eats at me and I can’t stand still. For the first time in a long time I dreamt of an alternate reality. In this reality I was happy, but this was because things actually went the way I had hoped and imagined that they would with you.
I keep telling myself that its a good thing that things didn’t work out because I learned so much from it, but my heart still wants that feeling. I thought I moved on, I know I moved on, but still I get these familiar feelings from the past. Now I just want it to end.
I wish I could talk to someone(Not even verbally, because texting or writing feel like the only ways I can remain connected at this point in time). You affected my life more than you even realize, and the fact that you don’t…pains even more.
“I strongly believe that everything happens for the best, in the end it’ll all be for some greater purpose”, said one of my greatest friends. I hope he’s right. Thats all I can do now…hope.
I hate how the littlest things depress me now. Just seeing pictures of someone from my past being all happy…makes me sad. Its selfish of me to think that way, but it’s just how I am now. People I once thought had it worse than me, are now doing much better as my life continues to crash.
I miss the happiness. I want to go back in time. I want to change even the smallest of things if it just means one extra day of happiness in my life.
Fuck these feelings. I was fine not too long ago, but now I’m just breaking down. I’m tired of having to lie to everyone about my daily moods. My friends can only help me deal with so much. I don’t want to burden them anymore.
(I hate to be that guy ranting about his life, and to those of you reading I apologize)
I’m more messed up than people can see. This facade that I put on is just a coping mechanism. Lately though, it hasn’t been working. I’m becoming something I don’t want to be. I’m becoming….a monster.
I just need a time machine. I just need to go back and do things my younger self would not even bother trying. I need to tell 6th grade me that “Nice guys finish last.” I need him to know that all those girls who say they want a nice guy are just trying to cheer him, because he truly is a lost cause. A lost hope. A hero who after years of holding on, will break down and become a villain.
Why did I not tell her how I felt? Why did I not rebel from my parents more? Why did I not become a bad boy? Why did I say no, when they wanted me to say yes? Why did I stay in this bubble of a life, instead if breaking free and living life?
I don’t know, but I hope I can live my life again. Not in the same way. I want to do the things that scared me most. I want to treat them differently so they don’t use my kindness to their advantage. I want to be the monster start my life off as the monster I’m becoming……
……but truth be told…I can’t.
I’ll never be a bad guy, because it’s not how I was raised. My morals wouldn’t let me. And that’s why I will probably never find my happiness again. Not for a long time at least.
It feels so weird to be home right now. I spent all week anticipating it, and now that I’m here alone in my room…I can’t help but think about so much.
Relationships. Friendships. Family. School. The Future. The Past. The Present.
The funny thing is….lately I’ve been good. Everything is good. No complaints. No regrets.
I’m just so satisfied with life lately, even if not all thing are working out. I’m finally alright.
The more this summer progresses, the more mixed feeling I’m gaining. Its like a part of the person I aim to be is taking over my current self. I’m losing myself….my sanity. I keep pushing myself away from everyone. I don’t want to. I’m becoming a monster. Like Frankenstein, I’m seeking positive attention but it just hard to get when no one can understand these burdens.
I’m hiding how much I care and it bothers me. I care too much about everyone. Everything. My actions. Decisions. Morals. The Future. My Past. The video games i’ll never play. The movies I’ll never finish writing. Relationships. Friendships. Every and all ships. School. Work. Family. The Weather. Music. Writing. Reading. Thinking. Food. Time…Its all too important. Everything matters yet i just avoid it. Its hard knowing things can never work because Never is a strong feeling. Never implies failure. The lack of potential to even remotely pass. Failure is my poison, so knowing this can’t work is killing me. It makes isolate everything i do. I become even more of an Introvert. I hate being like this. Feeling like this. I’m sorry…
My life is full of regrets, and i’m only 18. What happens when I’m 50 (If i make it that far)? What if I fail? What if I’m not growing to be this inspirational success story i aim to be?
The disappointment scares me. I just don’t want to be a failure. I hate being that kid who was raised thinking he could accomplish it all, and then finding out this world is built on falling and getting back up. I was never taught how to get up. If i fall…I’ll fall hard. and the pain won’t let me get up again. Then it’ll all be over. Then I’ll just be another story of demise. Another kid who dreamed of paradise, but instead found limbo. And honestly, what can you achieve in Limbo?
Once again I’m in bed aimlessly thinking about actions past and future. I don’t know what to do with either…
Not a day goes by where you wonder if things would’ve been better had you done things differently. The imagination is a deadly thing, but it’s also a wise professor. Decisions, although impossible to alter, make us who we are at the end of the day. That’s what matters. Not who or what you could’ve been, but who you are and what you shall become based off of future choices. Embrace your decisions…past and future.
“Don’t ever think that you’re not good enough for someone, because you are. You honestly, truly are. If they don’t see that, then they’re not worth your time. You’re beautiful and no one has the right to ignore that fact. Some day you’ll find a person who sees that and will accept and praise everything that you are. And if no one does, then fuck them. Fuck them all because I know the greatness that you are in every single way and that should be more than enough to make anyone happy. Any asshole who makes you walk home alone in the rain late at night doesn’t deserve to have you in his arms ever again. You deserve someone much better. I just hope you’ll one day realize your potential and ignore the assholes trying to bring you down because there are men out there waiting to care for you solely based off of your inner beauty. Guys like me, and not the one you’re I’m bed with right now.”
One day I’ll write this for a character and remember how close to home his emotions were in relation to my past self.
